Lessons from the Laundry on Attitude

Image by Kevin H. via Flickr

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.
- William James

For several years now, my husband and I have been meeting monthly with a group of married couples.  Our goal as “Married Friends” is to support each other in our decisions and commitments to be in healthy married relationships.  One topic that has come up over the years is what to do when one person is invariably “the neat one” and the other is “not-so-neat”.  This rather small issue of one person leaving their clothes on the floor or not putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher has caused much pain in many relationships.

The neat one can feel as though the other person is being rude, disrespectful, taking advantage of them, taking them for granted, or just disregarding their feelings completely.  The not-so-neat person can feel nagged, put down, hassled, disliked, and stressed out.  All of this over the placement of a dirty pair of socks.

What does all of this have to do with the concept of power?  Everything!

What is happening here is that each person is:

• judging the actions of the other person based upon their own habits, preferences and way of thinking;
• making assumptions about the intentions of the other person; and
• blaming the other for their own feelings about the situation.

This scenario described above in not relegated to the area of cleanliness.  This scene is played out in many different situations over many different topics on a regular basis in our lives.  Therefore, there are some obvious lessons that come from this that can be applied generally to our professional and personal dealings:

1. Not everyone thinks the same way you do – it is wise to stop and ask the question, “Is there possibly another way that someone could view this situation?”  Even if you don’t come up with an exact understanding of what the other person is thinking, you at least open yourself up to the possibility that there is another viewpoint.  This makes it easier to engage in productive, non-judgmental dialogue.
2. Actions do not always clearly broadcast intentions – once you have come to terms with lesson one, it should be easier to entertain the idea that maybe the other person was not out to get you, they were just doing what comes natural to them.
3. You are the only one responsible for your feelings – you have the power to decide not to let something upset you.  Engaging in a bit of constructive self-talk can make it easier to bring this lesson to fruition.  Have a dialogue with yourself that goes something like this:  “I don’t really like what that person just did.  I could reasonably be offended.  Based upon what I know of them though, I don’t think it is likely that they were deliberately trying to do me harm or make me upset.  Maybe they don’t see things the way I do and their actions either had nothing to do with me or were intended of my benefit.”  Afterwards, choose your own feelings and claim full responsibility for them.

Have a powerful day!
Cecilia